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| 09:10pm 18/09/2004 |
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mood:  lonely
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wow...pretty much the 3rd night in a row of sitting on my ass at home, wow, im a loser. All of my friends are either busy with their significant others, or working. I've got a job, but when im not working, im usually bored, fucking computer and internet and my guitars have been my best friends lately... i really am a loser.... maybe i need to find some new friends, or (god forbid) a girlfriend. I just hate being at home, but im not gonna go out like a fuckin loner. Its just that everyones always too busy.
Ah well, i might as well go to sleep, but im not tired. Fuck! |
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| 01:30pm 13/09/2004 |
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mood:  depressed music: staind "epiphany"
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whoever said "time heals all wounds" was full of shit... |
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| 02:42pm 29/08/2004 |
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mood: depressed music: Unloco "Failure"
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Maybe I,
I didn't seem to have a thing left to say
I bottled it far away
Maybe I,
I tried too hard to find someone to blame
Maybe it's me who changed
And now, I'm left with nothing again
So what if I lost everything?
Would you want me if I was a failure?
So what if I lost everything?
Would you be there even when I am gone?
Maybe I,
I didn't seem to give everything away
Not because I needed you to stay, and I
I couldn't face the fears I left far behind
I try to answer every question to why...
I'm left with nothing again
So what if I lost everything?
Would you want me if I was a failure?
So what if I lost everything?
Would you be there even when I am gone?
Maybe you couldn't see
All the pain inside of me
And now I feel like this was all for nothing
'Cause I'm left with nothing, I'm left with nothing again
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you be there even when I am gone
So what if I lost everything?
Would you want me if I was a failure?
-------------------------------------------
So does any of it really matter at all anymore?
I feel like I've lost everything, I honestly feel like that song describes my life. I dont want pity, and I dont wanna feel sorry for myself, its just hard. I feel like such a failure. No job, barely any money, living at home at 21, and now I am officially the only single one in whats left of the Krew. I mean even Brad is happy with someone now (no offense brad, but you know what i mean) It seems like everyone is happy, and everything is fine for everyone...but its not. Maybe I am a failure. I cant keep a job, I cant keep a girlfriend, I cant be happy. Im usually a patient, rather calm, collected person, you all know that. But theres a time in your life, when you feel like a failure... and ive reached that point, and at first i thought maybe im just being stupid, but its really started to get to me, its starting to really hurt. Im starting to see what brad was saying when he used to say that it hurt him to hear about how happy everyone else was. I know it sounds stupid, but it breaks my heart. I've really been alone for so long. I'd just like to be happy. I'd like to be able to find someone who would make me happy, but nobody wants a failure... |
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| 09:14pm 25/08/2004 |
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So I just watched "Girl Next Door," for the second (or is it third?) time. Yeah, I know, Elisha Cuthbert is gorgeous, and like i tell people, i didnt get both seasons of "24" on DVD for Kiefer Sutherland, ya know? LoL.
It was a decent flick, but, and I know this sounds really cheesy, but theres this speech that the main character gives in the flick that made me think(slightly paraphrased):
Life. What is life all about? I used to think it was about getting what you want. The perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect future. But lately, I've been seeing it differently. I've realized that its about finding that one thing you really care about, that one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world. And when you find her, you fight for her, you risk it all. You put her in front of everything, your future, your life, all of it. Maybe sometimes the stuff you do to try to help her isn't always good or right. But ya know what? it doesnt matter. Because in your heart, you know that the juice is worth the squeeze.
It really made me realize. Especially now, that I dont have a job, im pretty broke and im hanging on by a thread. I've been here before, down and depressed, but back then there was something-- someone there that kept me sane, kept me grounded in reality. And at the time I thought I knew what was best, but that was my downfall, listening to myself, and at the same time not listening to myself. If I had, would have realized that she was what was best for me. She was the one special thing that meant more to me than anything else in the world... she still does. I found her, and I tried to fight, but not in the way I should have. I didn't put her in front of everything else, when I really should have. I would risk it all for her if I had that chance again. My future, my life, everything, because the truth is, not one bit of it really does matter. I just want what I had again, to love and be loved. To have that special something that mattered above all else. I realize that now that I have nothing to get in the way of it, but I should've realized it then. My job, my money, my future, my friends, they're all so important in their own ways but i guess john lennon was right when he said "all you need is love." And I never really knew what it was to be in love until I met her. Yeah we had our problems, but what relationship doesnt have difficulties? But at the heart of it all, I love her, because she not only loved me back, but she kept me sane, kept my feet on the ground. She left because I wasn't the man I should've been. If I fight for anything now, it would be to get that feeling back... to get herback Because the risk is worth it, and nothing else matters much anymore.
I dont know whether you still reads this journal, but I want her to know that despite everything we've ever argued about, that Alyssa, you still mean more to me than anything else in this world. |
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| Save Me... Before I Drown... |
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| 10:25am 19/08/2004 |
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mood: discontent music: limpbizkit(dont shoot me): "Drown"
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Hey guys,
not much to say here. Once again out of a job. This job really wasnt for me and for the most part it sucked. I really liked working with all the people(for the most part) that I worked with. But alot of them talked shit, and were a bunch of disloyal bastards. My boss was cool up until yesterday when he started calling me lazy for no good reason. I busted my ass more than half the people there, and he calls me lazy? bullshit. Then today I decided to call and quit, I got his answering machine, and left a voicemail, so he calls me back and says, and I quote: "Get your fucking ass into work you little bitch." Ha! Yeah thats really gonna make me wanna work for you. My boss thinks hes a hard ass cuz hes a 25 year old ex-gang member who likes to talk shit. Then hes all "ive got a family and a living to make, and if you're not into the job, by all means dont hang around, there wont be any hard feelings or personal resentment" then when I do decide to quit after a week of thinking it over, he talks shit to me. Fucking Pussy. So Im once again out of a job. Ive realized something. The economy in michigan and the country overall sucks. We all know its Bush's fault. But personally, every job I've had since Dearborn Music has screwed me, either out of pay, out of hours or what have you. My parents are behind me which is cool, my dad offered to cover most of my bills until i get back on my feet. I hate being in debt to my dad but until I find a new job, its what I have to do. I've been out looking for a job, but Im not sure if anything will materialize. If any of you know anywhere thats hiring, please let me know, I'll do just about anything with the exception of the food service industry right about now.
In other news, KC seems to be blowing me off lately. She claims that its because her uncle is in the hospital, and I really have no reason to disbelieve her. Last night we went to dinner @ Red Robin (its where she wanted to go) and she was flirting with the fucking waiter right in front of me! I dont know if she really gets that I wanna be with her or whatever, I dont have time to waste on her anymore. But I'd love to actually find someone that wants to be with me, because right now I'm semi-lonely, I havent seen most of my friends in months, and I find myself dwelling on the past quite often. To brad, KT, danielle, frank, justin, stef and anyone else in the Krew, I miss you guys. If you guys let me know your schedules, I'd love to hang out with y'all again in the future. I know you're all busy, and I guess we all saw it coming but brad was right all along. The Krew is falling apart, if it even exists anymore. Therapy from real life... yeah, only when they're around, but its true. My life is shitty right now, and in the end all I got is my friends. So if any of you are interested in hanging out anytime soon let me know.
Peace,
Phetus |
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| 05:35pm 27/07/2004 |
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So Im still slightly in debt (yeah, right... slightly) so I need to get some money QUICK. But other than that things are going okay. My job is the shit even though I havent been in 2 days. Yesterday, me, Luke, Paula, Steve, and Justin all went to the Linkin Park/KoRn/Snoop Dogg show at Pine Knob last night. It was the shit, and my voice is fucking shot(hence the reason Im not at work right now) I had this 27 year old blonde all freakin on me the whole show, and she was with this guy, and when i looked over at him she whispers "dont worry about my brother" lol. So I got her number, she was supposed to come over to my house for a party last night, but she lives in lansing. Things are definetely looking up in the women dept. Since my parents have been gone away in Washington state (they get back tonight), I've had a few little get together/parties at my house, and Ive gotten numbers and shit from like 4 or 5 different girls. Originally I called Lauren over cuz I had her number from before, but then she showed up with this really hot friend named KC, who was flirting with me all night, we're sposed to hang out later. But shes 17 so shes got a curfew and shit, which sux. Other than that, Justin and Steve brought two friends over after the concert last night, and this cute lil half Korean chick was hitting on me and I got her number. Other than that, Im still talking to Julie, the bartender I mentioned before, and Kristie, the girl I met at the show last night. If I had to rate my scale of who Im most interested in its probably KC, Julie, Kathleen(the korean girl), and Kristie, we'll see how this works out.
I guess I'll bail now and talk to you guys later, peace |
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| 04:24pm 20/07/2004 |
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So, I no longer work for the talent network, hey thats cool with me, i got a couple paychecks, a weed hookup, some great friends, and a hot 25 year old blondes bartender's number out of the job, she called me today, and we're hanging out this friday. In other news i got a new job installing and delivering home audio systems. Job is great, a buncha kickass dudes and a couple hotties workin there, but the other day, our van got jacked. we were out doing a job, and some fuckin monkey comes out brandishing a gun and told us all to "get in the fucking van and get off this side of town now!" fuckin spook. He took all our equipment and we all had to pay for it, so there went my $200 training pay. So now i realize just how much justin fuckin hates em, maybe we can start some sort of group... wait, dont they already have one of those :P. Anyways, not shit goin on lately, I'll catch y'all later |
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| 09:17am 21/06/2004 |
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mood:  tired music: Seether ft. Amy Lee "Broken"
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Okay people, I noticed i haven't updated in awhile so here it goes. Well, its 9:00 AM right now. I was supposed to go to Math class today, but decided not to. The final is this week, but I've already missed so much class due to work, that I've come to the conclusion that I've probably already failed that class. So Im gonna register to take that one class over again in the summer at a night class. I am getting an A in English 102 though. I've never been good at math everyone always told me that my writing is where my strengths lie, maybe I'll look into that.
So my SIRIUS 5 week ended saturday, bringing me back to only having one job. Talent Network is cool, but the dates for events are few and far between now that all the Senior parties are done with. It goes till October or something, so I'll hafta find another job. I've been looking into Gallagher Security, but they haven't called me back yet. I hear that KT got a job there already so I'll see if he can get me in.
Okay, thats it for the business end of things...
Still single and it sucks. Things fell apart with alyssa as you all know, but recently i found out that all the bullshit I had been told and worried about her about was one big lie created by her friends. What the fuck is that? I was surprised to get a phone call from her the other day, but hell at least i know she's doing okay, and that she hasn't forgotten about me...yet. I would like to remain friends with her because she's still a good friend and a unique soul. I'd just like to be able to find a relationship thats not gonna fall to shit ya know? I mean with alyssa I was actually in love for the first time in awhile, but I guess that got fucked up through mistakes on both of our parts. Ah well, whatcha gonna do? Im just lonely, and I'd just like someone to spend my time with, someone who makes life worth living again. Cuz it seems that everyone around me has been able to find someone but me.
As far as friends go, I haven't seen Lukedog in awhile cuz he's been so busy with his woman. We're supposed to be looking into moving into a place in august but i dunno if thats gonna happen now. I dont want another bullshit situation like it was with lynnsie. We'll see.
It was good hanging with Brad, Howie, Poncho and Amanda this weekend at their new place, its a pretty nice place. Even if most of the people there did drink almost all my beer. Hopefully I'll get to see KT, Frank, Stef and Justin tonight if we do meet up. I havent seen some of them in weeks, and it kinda feels like friendships arent as strong as they used to be. I dunno. But I did see the Joesus last week, him and I went to the Pistons Parade on Thursday... it was crazy down there but I guess thats to be expected cuz we spanked the fuckin Lakers to get this Championship and its well deserved.
Hmmm... what the fuck else to write about? uh... last night I went out to dinner for Fathers day/mom's birthday. May and June always kick my ass cuz in May I've got mothers day and Jade's bday, and in June its father's day, moms bday, and kates bday all right close to each other. I need another job I guess.
Well, thats about it. My mom's goin to Wales for 3 weeks to visit my sister/neice so I'm gonna hafta put up with my Dad for 3 weeks, it sucks. Hopefully my friends will be available to give me an excuse to get outta the house. Maybe I should actually get this community service out of the way, I intended to get hours starting back in May but that never happened cuz im a lazy fucker. Comin close on one year of probation completed, only 2 years and 3 months left to go...
Have a good day folks,
You know where to find me.
Peace,
Phetus |
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| 11:17pm 17/06/2004 |
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| PARENTAL | | ADVISORY | PHETUS CONTAINS
EXPLICIT LYRICS |
From Go-Quiz.com |
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| 10:15am 02/06/2004 |
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mood:  pissed off
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The following is a dedication... to someone who will remain nameless, he knows his crime and will pay soon enough.
the song is originally by Hatebreed, slightly adjusted to fit my situation.
-Rob
Your reign of terror is coming to an end
And all your victims' pain will be avenged
Taker of innocence, I want your demise
Tear you apart for the unspeakable things you tried to hide
I fucking hate you
Every bone in my body will ache
'till I destroy everything you love
And fill your life with their pain
Two long fucking years
I waited to erase all the memories
And you can't fucking stop me
My vengeance is finally born
Two long fucking years
Your reign of terror is coming to an end
And I have no mercy for your soul
Your blood is on my hands
A call for blood for what youv'e done
No tolerance for what you've done
A call for blood
For what you've done
No tolerance for what you've done
All their anguish, all their pain
All their nightmares, all their misery
It's all coming back to haunt you
Your time is up and you've no where to hide
I fucking hate you
Every bone in my body will ache
'Till I destroy everything you love
The only cure for your sickness lies within your grave
Two long fucking years
I waited to erase all the memories
And you can't fucking stop me
I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL
Two long fucking years
Your reign of terror is coming to an end
And I have no mercy for your soul
Your blood is on my hands
A call for blood
For what you've done
No tolerance for what you've done
A call for blood
For what you've done
No fucking tolerance
Let the blood spill
Vengeance is mine
Let the blood spill
Vengeance is mine
A call for blood |
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| Less Travelled... a poem by Rob Denner |
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| 12:49pm 26/05/2004 |
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I had to take the liberty
and now welcome death
The short drop,
Sudden stop,
That will steal my last breath
As my world fades to black
I second guess my life
No time to wonder whats next
To question who was right
My guilt was assumed
No fair trial
Don't bother to miss me
I died with a smile
Do we choose now to be faithful?
Pick a path to follow...
Door Number one
I'm free of sin,
But the gates are rusted
Warped by the corrupted,
They're not letting me in.
So I move down the line
To choice numbered two
Only to find
It leads to the same room.
And again with three,
Just like those before
Its the same room
With endless doors
So where does that leave us
When our time is done
Are we just predestined,
Doomed to a single outcome?
I look back to find a fork in the road
one path to the doors,
Another to the unknown.
Two roads diverged in a wood
One is uncertain
One is no good
Finally, a choice
Not sure its worth making
Not sure which path is even worth taking
One is untouched
The other embattled
And without another thought
I took the one less travelled. |
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| Ok So I was wrong, im still posting... |
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| 04:01pm 25/05/2004 |
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mood:  cold
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Ya know, I've never felt so alone in my entire life... you probably wont know how I feel until you hear the love of your life tell you "I dont wanna see you alive or dead" or "if you come see me, I'll kill myself right there in front of you."
Right now, even I feel like I've died inside.
Makes me question how long I'll feel like this... |
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| 01:33am 24/05/2004 |
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mood:  blank music: Third Eye Blind "Hows It Gonna Be?"
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This is my last post... ever. |
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| 11:33pm 23/05/2004 |
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mood:  crushed music: Nine Inch Nails "Hurt"
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As a last sign of respect to Alyssa before she cuts me from her life for good, I have deleted the convo that was previously placed here. It was wrong of me to post it in the first place. I apologize.
-Robert Denner |
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detroitmaggot's journal